“Can’t you take a joke?”

I’ve heard some version of this my whole life. Another version being “you’re too sensitive”. 

I’ve become quite attuned to listen for this kind of language; the words that do not honor and support my empathic nature, my ability to feel in my body any kind of incongruence between words and actions. The words used to divert the discomfort of being called out.

So you can imagine that after years of getting really good at this, working to find and USE my voice, I was surprised that his comment bugged me for so long, even after I called it out. 

I’ve done somersaults around choosing a respectable partner, one who is thoughtful. One who I can rest into, that will do some of that hyper attentive self-reflection - paying attention to language, thinking about what they say and how it might land for me (or anyone else for that matter).

The joke he made was an ill-timed and mis-attuned attempt at easing some worry I was experiencing, albeit through a sexual reference. The details aren’t important. What’s important is that no, I couldn’t take his joke and that’s way okay. And no, I wasn’t being too sensitive. 

Being too sensitive or over-reacting isn’t even a thing in my book. You RESPOND to any given situation based on so many variables and your response or reaction is a reflection of where you’re at. It’s a reflection of where you’re at with your ability to regulate your emotions and even within that, it reflects how easily you put those to use in the heat of the moment. Your response is a reflection of where you’re at in your journey of healing emotional trauma, your connection to your body, etc. It’s also a reflection of what you’re willing or not willing to put up with, to let slide, or for what you insist on reflection and redirection. In essence, your “reaction” is really good information for you  - about you!

Also, feelings don’t lie. I’m talking the sensations in your body as well as your emotions. You are not making them up. Just the fact that you’ve got heat in your chest, that your skin feels extra tender and tingly, your stomach churns, etc. in response to a person or situation means that it’s REAL. It means you can get curious about it, you can wonder what it’s telling you. You do not have to ignore it and tell yourself that you “shouldn’t be feeling that way”. 

You don’t have to justify your feelings. You don’t have to explain or tell a story. You can learn to sit with yourself, you can invite your trusted people to sit with you in your feelings. Eventually language will come to you, but you don’t have to scramble to give it when others demand to know.